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August 2006 Archives

I Can See The Future

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Sometimes I wake up tossing and turning, tangled in my sheets, head brimming with knowledge I could only know IF I'D BEEN TO THE FUTURE.

Heed my warning, people.

If you buy these items from Banana Republic, you WILL be snickered at by your children in 2021 when they flip through your photo album listening for the umpteenth time to the story of how you met daddy:

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Don't let this happen to you. Your children already have enough ammunition against you. Trust me, I've seen them, and they're total brats.

I'm a little surprised we haven't seen one of Tara Reid's butchered boobs slipping out of this Juicy disaster:

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And the best part is the copy that ShopBob used to hoist it off on the public:

"We've never seen a dress as sweet and sexy as this fabulous creation."

Really?

Never?

So does that mean you've just been unplugged from The Matrix and are using your eyes for the FRIST TIME? Your eyes are going to hurt a little as you get used to planet Earth, coppertop. You have much to learn about fashion.

Let's just look at Juicy's product description for this monstrosity, shall we people?

Terry tube dress with ribbed banding at top hem and drop waist. Belted flap pockets at back and riveted belt at waist. Raw top hem.

27.5" long.
80% cotton/20% polyester.

Hmm. How many incorrect, should-never-touch-your-body descriptions do we have in there?

Go ahead, play along with me. I'll wait right here as you add them up.

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THE ANSWER IS....
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TEN.

Ten fashion faux pas you want to avoid at all costs.

1. Terry
I don't feel the need to explain why no one over the age of 8 or under the age of 80 should ever wear terry.

2. Tube dress
So that you can make your boobs look droopy AND emphasize that wad of fat where your arm meets your ribcage? What sadistic gay man dreamt up the tube dress...

3. and 4. Ribbed Banding
These are separate entries, they're each so wrong. Together, they double-accentuate your droopy bra-less boobs and arm chicken fat.

Fan-freaking-tastic.

5. Drop waist
So that your shape in no way resembles a human woman's.

6. Belted flap pockets at back
Because in the middle of this mess, you want your ass to look HUGE.

7. Riveted belt at waist
Fine taken at face value. But remember you're drawing attention to a dreaded DROP WAIST.

8. Raw top hem
Why? So that your $158 outfit can look like your little sister sewed it for you in Home Ec? How hip and edgy and UGLY.

9. 27.5" long
Sigh. If you're not working Hollywood Boulevard trying to pick up Colin Farrell, this length does not belong in your closet.

10. 20% polyester.
'Nuff said.

I Was Right!

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Sort of! Only it wasn't Tara Reid this disasterous outfit appeared on...but poor Jessica Simpson!

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Clearly she's more upset about Ashlee's nose job than we thought...

No Winter Shorts!

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Now the normally lovely designer Nanette Lepore has thrown her embroidered hat into the formal shorts ring.

Where will the madness end?

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Last Week

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Don't forget to catch the Prada exhibit!

Where Tights Belong

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Watched "Step Up", the cheesy dance movie because...I luvs cheesy dance movies.

And low and behold, I actually admired the way the lead actesss sported this season's dreaded must have accessory: leggings.

Why?

Because she was 5'3, 80 pounds, and wore them on the way to, during, or coming from DANCING.

Savvy?

Yummy

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Check out these Chloe tall buckle boots. They're sooo Rene Russo in The Thomas Crown Affair.

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Sigh. If only I had $1155 to blow on boots. If you do, hustle on over to Saks.

I Can't Have It...

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Because I'm allergic to wool. *sniff*.

But maybe you want it...isn't it chic and flattering? Love how it feels retro and modern at the same time.

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Nice job,
Theory.
A chick can't have too many fabulous black dresses in her arsenal.

Project Runway

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At least this week they got rid of someone who needed to go. Robert, we won't even remember you were there.

How fabulous have Michael's creations been the last three weeks? He's the one I'd pick to design something for me. Consistent, thoughtful, humble, listens to the client, knows what looks good on women, unique flair that doesn't overwhelm the person wearing his clothes...He's got it all.

What did you think of "the fight"? You never know for sure if they left something vital on the cutting room floor to manipulate us, but they sure made Jeffrey look like an insensitive butthead. I mean, I know he hates Angela, but dude, that's her MOM. You don't disrespect the mom.

Okay, and Laura being pregnant with her sixth child? I thought her mom was going to cry. In the bad way. Yikes. Though I do admire her humor and can-do attitude. What did she say? At this point it doesn't really matter how many, I'll just throw it on the pile with the rest? Hi-larious. Mellow mom AND a style goddess whose red lipstick never smudges? Almost makes me think I could have children.

And you know there's a bunch of midwestern moms crying right now because they just saw how much all the designers bitched behind their backs about their "plus"-size.

All in all, a weird episode. I got uncomfortable insight into everyone. Things I'm not sure I really wanted to know about any of the designers, including Michael Kors. It was a little too much like sitting in on a bad therapy session, or a couple arguing at a nice restaurant. The bad kind of conflict that actually makes you look away instead of leaning in to eavesdrop. Basically, I just feel really awful for everyone involved. Hope Bravo set aside some money for counseling.

Not Available in the US

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Except at Rodeo Drive Resale. Ainara bags retail for $1500 in Britain, but are in the $500 range through their sole US distributor.

Chic and unusual. You won't see these purses on other women's arms.

Samara Sanchez

About Sammy

Sammy Sanchez is a Miami based freelance writer, greeting card designer, and self-professed USWeeklyholic. Sammy loves tall coffee light frappuccinos, vino not from a box, and Mark Ruffalo...not necessarily in that order.
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