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I'm a little surprised we haven't seen one of Tara Reid's butchered boobs slipping out of this Juicy disaster:

juicy1165715403_201x396.jpg

And the best part is the copy that ShopBob used to hoist it off on the public:

"We've never seen a dress as sweet and sexy as this fabulous creation."

Really?

Never?

So does that mean you've just been unplugged from The Matrix and are using your eyes for the FRIST TIME? Your eyes are going to hurt a little as you get used to planet Earth, coppertop. You have much to learn about fashion.

Let's just look at Juicy's product description for this monstrosity, shall we people?

Terry tube dress with ribbed banding at top hem and drop waist. Belted flap pockets at back and riveted belt at waist. Raw top hem.

27.5" long.
80% cotton/20% polyester.

Hmm. How many incorrect, should-never-touch-your-body descriptions do we have in there?

Go ahead, play along with me. I'll wait right here as you add them up.

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THE ANSWER IS....
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TEN.

Ten fashion faux pas you want to avoid at all costs.

1. Terry
I don't feel the need to explain why no one over the age of 8 or under the age of 80 should ever wear terry.

2. Tube dress
So that you can make your boobs look droopy AND emphasize that wad of fat where your arm meets your ribcage? What sadistic gay man dreamt up the tube dress...

3. and 4. Ribbed Banding
These are separate entries, they're each so wrong. Together, they double-accentuate your droopy bra-less boobs and arm chicken fat.

Fan-freaking-tastic.

5. Drop waist
So that your shape in no way resembles a human woman's.

6. Belted flap pockets at back
Because in the middle of this mess, you want your ass to look HUGE.

7. Riveted belt at waist
Fine taken at face value. But remember you're drawing attention to a dreaded DROP WAIST.

8. Raw top hem
Why? So that your $158 outfit can look like your little sister sewed it for you in Home Ec? How hip and edgy and UGLY.

9. 27.5" long
Sigh. If you're not working Hollywood Boulevard trying to pick up Colin Farrell, this length does not belong in your closet.

10. 20% polyester.
'Nuff said.

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Samara Sanchez

About Sammy

Sammy Sanchez is a Miami based freelance writer, greeting card designer, and self-professed USWeeklyholic. Sammy loves tall coffee light frappuccinos, vino not from a box, and Mark Ruffalo...not necessarily in that order.
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