It's the day before Halloween weekend, and I think it's pretty safe to assume that if you don't have a Halloween costume planned by now you...
a) Are a procrastinator.
b) Are a Jehovah's witness.
c) Have finally acknowledged the fact that you are too old to trick or treat.
d) Have finally acknowledged the fact that your neighbors think it's creepy when you trick or treat.
e) Don't have a party to go to.
f) Don't have any cash.
g) Don't have any creativity.
h) Don't care.
I can't help you with the majority of those issues, although I can help you with f) and g). So for the financially and creatively challenged, here are some serious last minute costumes that you can pull off with minimal effort.
- Pick up a dollar store animal mask, put on a pair of tights, heels and a tee. You're a half assed animal.
- Wear a really, really bad outfit and hold a black horizontal cardboard bar in front of your eyes, you're a fashion don't.
- Stuff your pockets with tissues, wrappers and trash. Throw contents of your pockets on the floor all night, you're a litterer.
- Draw whiskers on your face with eyeliner and arrive with a really younger dude, you're a cougar.
- Pad yourself, tell folks you're transitioning and dance poorly all night, you're Chaz Bono.
- Come in a suit or work attire and hand out a stack of resumes, you're unemployed.
- Wear a set of fake rotted teeth (or chew tobacco) and act wasted, you're Lindsay Lohan.
- Guys: Wear a Hawaiian shirt, pop tic tacs from a prescription bottle and repeatedly tell people that you're a #winner, you're Charlie Sheen.
- Wear a surgical mask, cough, and tell people you just got back from Hong Kong, you're contagious.
If all else fails, slab on whatever deli meats you have in the fridge and tell jokes all night, you're Lady Ha Ha.
Have fun, be safe. Happy Halloween.